


Loving Castiel

by dinluke



Series: the spn fin*le never happend [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Coda, First Kiss, Fix-It, Fluff, Getting Together, It hurts just a little bit, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e20 Carry On
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:00:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27644483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinluke/pseuds/dinluke
Summary: “How did you find me?” Dean asks. Castiel squints and looks at him like he’s the sun.“Your, uh,yearningwas pretty loud,” he says sheepishly.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: the spn fin*le never happend [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2039670
Comments: 25
Kudos: 227





	Loving Castiel

**Author's Note:**

> Hello SPN Fandom it has been 5 years since I last wrote for them and I am in pain.  
> I am aching. BTS just had a comeback and I am aching.
> 
> this is set after Bobby tells Dean that Cas is out of the empty and he goes on a drive etc except instead of Sam he meets Cas

_ Time works differently up here _ , Bobby had told him and Dean had gotten into his car and driven off. Heaven feels weird, Dean can’t really point at what it is that’s wrong with it. He doesn’t even know where he’s driving, he just needs the time and the space to think, to process.His death had come too soon, too quickly, too fast, he barely had time to grieve all those that he lost until he left as well. Barely had time to think about  _ him _ . A smile creeps its way on Dean’s face, just thinking about him. Bobby said he was safe. He was alive. Jack didn’t leave him in the empty after all, he called his father to his side to help him rebuild heaven. It’s sweet, in a way, he tries to imagine the two working together, these powerful, celestial beings that he got to know so closely. He got to know them beneath their powers and their divinity, he got to know their personalities, their interests, saw them fail and succeed, he grew to love them. Love Castiel. Especially him. He thinks of what he told him in the bunker, that he grew to love humanity because of him. Castiel taught Jack to love humanity in return. A lump forms in Dean’s throat and he gets the urge to pull over to the side of the road and stop the car. He only manages to run a few steps into the forest before he throws up and starts crying. All the grief, the relief, the fear, the happiness, the despair he felt over the last year, hell, his entire life comes bubbling up and he leans against a tree, shaking and gasping for breath. It hurts, to feel so much at once, to feel such different emotions at once. It makes him dizzy and sick. This is why he kept his emotions repressed for so long. 

Heaven doesn’t mean peace and happiness until he lets himself be at peace and happy. He feels happy, but the fear he felt when he was dying still sits in his bones, the fear of leaving his brother all alone on earth. He’s probably giving him a funeral, probably doing his best to stay mentally stable, maybe he even goes to therapy. Sam will be fine, he knows he has all the healthy coping techniques that Dean never learned.

Did he call Jody and the girls? How did they take it, did they come to his funeral? Is he with Eileen now? What happened to Miracle? And Castiel has heavenly duties somewhere else, he only assumes and Dean suddenly feels very alone, yet still he doesn’t want to see anyone right now, not in this state. But he could go see his mom, he could go back to Bobby, or he could go see Charlie, his Charlie. Everyone he ever missed is here and he just wants to hide. He wipes at his eyes and gets up on shaky legs, opens the trunk of the Impala, and finds it. The trenchcoat that Castiel left in the bunker. It’s a different one, not the one he wore when the empty took him, it’s an older one. He unfolds it and holds it, looks at it. His heart clenches at the thought of his face that he almost doubles over from it, clutches the coat and leans against the car. He wishes he’d told him then, in the bunker. When Castiel said all these things to him, when he grabbed his shoulder, Dean almost hoped that he was going to kiss him. He should have told him he loves him, he should have told him there, maybe they could have fought the empty through the power of love, or something. Maybe they could have had a happy life, a full life together after defeating Chuck, maybe they could have grown old, with Sam and Eileen living close by. They could have settled down with a dog and a house and lived a peaceful life, like Garth. 

But Dean had always been too out of touch with his emotions. It took him nearly a decade to realise that what he felt for his best friend, that made him so irrationally angry, that made him so uneasy when he wasn’t close to him, was something else than brotherly love. Looking back, it seems silly to him that he ever thought what he felt for Castiel was anything like what he felt for Sam. When he died, Sam was the only one he still had left. And it was much easier to tell him all that he had to say, in a way he could understand why Castiel let out all these bottled up emotions out in the moments before his death. But when Castiel died, he still couldn’t tell him. He couldn’t even pray to him. Why can’t he let himself be happy? Why can’t he just accept his feelings and act on them, do one thing he knows will make him happy? Why can’t he believe he deserves to be happy?

The road is quiet. No cars, no birds, just the wind in the trees and some birds rustling through the leaves. He silently sobs, for once he doesn’t try to suppress it, actually forces himself to not suppress his emotions further. He doesn’t even notice himself hiding his face in the balled up trench coat in his hands, holding the one thing close that he still has of the man he loves. It’s not like it smells like Castiel, but it’s a reminder of him, of his warmth, his goodness, his love. How he looked at Dean, because he saw him as deserving of love. Dean still finds that part hard to accept.

He hears the familiar wing flapping sound and lowers the coat, opens his eyes, it was probably just the birds, he tells himself. Castiel has more important things to do now, right? 

“Dean.”

Dean stares at him, mouth hanging open wide, “Cas!”

He almost throws his arms around Castiel’s neck and pulls him close to him, hugs him tight. Castiel is warm, solid, comforting. He sighs softly and cups his cheek and Dean steps back, feeling shy for the first time in his life and sniffs, pretending like he didn’t just cry.

“How did you find me?” Dean asks. Castiel squints and looks at him like he’s the sun. 

“Your, uh,  _ yearning  _ was pretty loud,” he says sheepishly and Dean feels heat creep into his face. He doesn’t even have a witty reply to that, breathless from looking at Castiel. He looks like usual, but something is different. That same ridiculous outfit, that same ridiculously handsome hair, the stubbles. Dean realises what’s different is that Castiel is happy. He radiates with happiness and it’s contagious.

“Why are you in heaven?”

“So, working with Jack?”

They talk at the same time and laugh and Dean puts his hands in his pocket to have something to do with his hands that isn’t excessively touching Castiel. Castiel does the same. He could look at him forever. Drink up every single detail of his face, his body, his soul. It’s sudden and scary, how much affection he feels. It’s like Castiel’s confession cracked a wall in Dean’s mind, and slowly all these good feelings trickle out, love for people without having to fear losing them, love for his best friend without having to fear to be rejected by him or his family.

“Cas, what you said in the bunker,” Dean starts, because he knows he has to say it, and he doesn’t know how to, but figures this may be a good start. Castiel just looks at him, gentle affection on his face, not pushing him, they have time. How long is he going to stay with Dean? If Dean asked him to, would he stay forever? Would that be selfish of him?

“Remember when I prayed to you, in purgatory?”

He clears his throat. Castiel only gently nods.

“I meant that, every single word of it and then some. I am so sorry that I was such a dickbag to you, and you  _ are  _ my best friend, but also, everything you said to me, knowing you made me a better person, Cas, I need you to know that, and I love,” he takes a deep breath, “I love you too, man,” he says weakly, “so much. For so long.”

Castiel cradles Dean’s face in his hands and Dean holds his wrists, rubbing his thumbs over his warm skin, steps a bit closer. He bumps his nose against Dean’s, which is odd, and sweet and he has to laugh at this gesture. Castiel must have picked it out of a cheesy romantic drama. His heart soars and he wonders if he has ever had such a smitten smile on his face before, but he can’t help it. Castiel is holding his face, holds him safe, Dean feels loved, like he never has.

“Dean, can I--,” Castiel starts.

“Yeah, Cas, come on.”

Castiel’s kiss is clumsy, honest, grounding. Honest in that he holds Dean, one hand on his cheek, another on his back, he’s secure, he’s clumsy but so sincere. And Dean feels clumsy, too, despite having more experience than Castiel. The difference is that he actually loves him, this isn’t a hook up, he isn’t trying to rile him up, but he’s trying to… he’s trying to convey his affections, and suddenly he doesn’t know how.

Castiel smiles into the kiss and Dean leans back just to look at him. So innocently, so perfectly happy. There is a sweetness about Castiel that makes him feel so full, that he doesn’t recognise enough.

“How long are you going to stay?” Dean asks.

Castiel takes his hand, “as long as you’ll have me.”

On their drive back to the roadhouse, Dean drives with one hand, leaves the other in the middle for Castiel to take. Of course, Castiel doesn’t get the hint and Dean reaches over to take his hand himself. 

“And did you, uh, see me die?” He keeps his eyes focused on the road, knowing that Castiel is looking at him with those blue eyes, he doesn’t want to see the expression on his face.

“No, Dean, I didn’t know until you…  _ prayed _ to me.” He squeezes Dean’s hand. 

He thinks he can get used to this. When Sam shows up in heaven, he’ll just have to sit in the backseat.

“Oh,” Dean says, “good.”

He was glad that Castiel didn’t see him in so much pain and terror as he had been then.

“It wasn’t pretty.” Castiel holds his hand with both hands.

“Dying never is.”

“Yeah, we should know from experience.”

Castiel laughs at his lame joke and this time Dean turns his face to look at him. His eyes are crinkled, beaming, his smile… so beautiful he regrets not having made him laugh more often. He will in the future, he promises that to himself.

They show up at the Roadhouse again, where Bobby gives them a knowing smile.

“Look who showed up for you,” Bobby says and nods at Miracle the dog sniffing up a mildly uncomfortable Castiel. Dean exclaims in delight and reflexively reaches for his phone in his pocket to record the moment. He finds nothing. What would you need a phone in heaven for, anyway?

“Miracle,” Dean smiles and the dog lets go of Castiel in favour of getting snuggled by Dean.

“I think I’m more of a cat person,” Castiel says and straightens out his coat, “is that a problem?”

Dean smiles at him, scratching the dog’s soft fur, feeling like something inside his heart glows, “oh, yeah, that’s a deal breaker.”

Castiel squints.

Part of him will always regret that he never got to be this happy on earth.

But Castiel gently caresses the hair at the nape of his neck and he thinks, this is not so bad, either.

**Author's Note:**

> twt:[nbphilim](https://twitter.com/nbphilim)  
> please consider donating to the [castiel project](https://give.thetrevorproject.org/fundraiser/3037563) so there's one good outcome of this show!


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